I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
direct quote: "i'm so over my clit" either best or most awkward conversation possible with your COUSIN
alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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