I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
Randomize
