There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
white trash or talent: driving, 1 hand on the wheel, 1 holding a cell phone & talking & smoking without using hands..in an old beater pickup..
Both
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
Randomize
