the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
We can just chill or day drink or smoke or watch law and order marathon or play just dance 4 or watch a movie or go to the movies or play hide and seek or hug, so many options
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
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