how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
Randomize
