I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
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