I think scott just propositioned me for sex
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
What kind of poor, pathetic town do we live in where a horny teenage girl is sitting in her basement on a saturday night, unlaid?
You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
she gave him a mild concussion from throwing him against the wall in an attempt to dance with him. gotta love monday nights at the sandbar.
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
Randomize
