Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
Randomize
