Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
3 2 1 whiskey
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
Randomize
