did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
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