is it possible for your nipples to fall off? if so mine might. they hurt so bad...
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
Randomize
