everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
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