im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
Randomize
