the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
sarcasm needs its own font
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
i was really disappointed no one would drink beer from our cleavage last night except for us
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
