Got a toothbrush?
you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
Randomize
