can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
Randomize
