i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
I wonder what chicks would think if they learned that when we add them on fb we email their bikini pics to each other.
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
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