No. I was horrified and confused as to why you thought scrambled eggs and cottage cheese was a good mix
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
Randomize
