Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
Please God, is a penis possibly making it to vagina town to much to ask for tonight.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize