I wish I could teleport
WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
there are casual beer cans in all of the public trashes, i belong here
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
Ack! That is the first dick pic I've ever received. A) congrats B) that is way grosser than I ever thought t would be.
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
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