You can spell. I can kill people with no remorse. We all have our skills.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
Thats the last thing I remember and then I woke up in this Dutch kids dorm and he was taking a picture of me while I was sleeping
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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