Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
You found a girl to hook up with at a gay bar?
No. His name was Paco. I didn't get it by choice. I never had a hickey before.
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
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