I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
I currently don't understand fingers.
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
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