Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
Randomize
