i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
The worst part of it is that he's not the first man I've fucked with 2+ chihuahua's.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
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