My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
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