Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
Randomize
