Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
You started having a threesome right in front of me.
lololol that's what happened?
Stephanie looked me right in the eye while she was going down on you. It made me really uncomfortable.
Randomize
