I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
Randomize
