I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
omg. MEgabus. stoned.
Theres these two guys talking.
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
Randomize
