I'm sorry my penis didn't work
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
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