I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
sitting in room practicing taking shots. has my life come to this?
how does a 20 year old who hasnt gone through puberty yet score the game winning goal? fuck sidney crosby and his small nuts.
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
