she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
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