Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
The nausea has returned and I can't handle such things to exit my body so violently
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
Randomize
