Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
Hey
Gfdhklhgfxzyuikl$
GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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