can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
Randomize
