everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
You should really look at your snapstory. It has us screaming " MANSION DICK! SUCK IT! FUCK IT!" By the way im currently in a mansion and need you to pick me up
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
Randomize
