I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Randomize
