Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
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