According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
