I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
we had sex while we waited for the thai food... a which will come first type of situation
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
Never joke about your clitoris.
Randomize