So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
Also, beer. Big fan.
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Randomize
