i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
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