You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
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