I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
