Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
Is it weird that we showed each other our pussy's and pointed out the good and bad things about each others??
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
I think i just fucked the same guy a second time without realizing it....does that make me a good whore or a bad whore???
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
Randomize
