you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
Randomize
