Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
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