He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
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