Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
Randomize
