oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
ARE YOU THINKING VAGINA THEMED RESTAURANT
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
Randomize
