now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Randomize
