my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
I know it should be off bounds, but can this be the chick we all sleep with at some point? I can write it off as drunken mistake, you all just have to come up with equally good excuses
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
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