Dude my mom stole all your condoms
Oh KT! There was no tea in those Long Islands...
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
The solution to mudbutt is never ever Clorox wipes. It stings soooooooo bad.
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
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