so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
She had just swallowed, of course i didnt kiss her goodbye
Wasn't she moving abroad?
Are you really going to debate this?
all i remember is that her bootyshorts said 'shameless' and that there was no turning back.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Randomize
