just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
I hate girls that dress up to come to planned parenthood. I just want to be like we are all in the same boat here, we know your slutty. Its OK.
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
