theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
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