HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
i just sent this text using only my big toe
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
Randomize
