Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
