The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
and I asked her"are you allergic to condoms latex like your older sister " she said "Idk this is gonna be my 1time"
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
Randomize
