Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Randomize
